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Current Mood: Cool

Last night Michaela kept repeating Emma’s mantra - I THINK I’M DREAMING!! Dreams of little girls are simple - barbies, dress up and sleep overs with your best friends. In this case, all three came true for Michaela. The night started with Barbies and a half naked Ken doll curiously held together at the neck by duct tape (CLASSIC!). Before long playtime morphed into dress up. The above picture is what I managed to catch although I admit it was somewhat staged. When I had spied what was going on, all three - Michaela, Madelyn and Emma - were all in their cheerleader attire. By the time I got my camera, Madelyn had gotten out of her costume and eluded my picture taking. Sneaky kid. Nevertheless, Michaela and Emma were happy to oblidge me and made sure they’d don the silly wigs for effect.

As the night went on, the girls settled into my room and piled on to my bed to watch a Barbie movie.I apologize to Madelyn for all the cat hair. Much to Garth’s chagrin, he had to spend the next couple hours in the basement so I could give Madelyn a small reprive from his everloving ways. Still..she was sitting on my bed which is Garth’s most favorite spot to lounge and it had her sniffling. When the movie was over it was time for ice cream and hot chocolate. I worried that all the junk food (they had been raiding the candy jar earlier!) would give them tummy aches but luckily my worry was for naught. They were fine. I was surprised that by a little after 8pm they were asking to go to bed. This was almost too easy. So it was off to brush teeth, call Mom and Dad to tell them goodnight and sweet dreams. I returned at about 10 to see if they were ok. Michaela and Emma were asleep in the top bunk. Madelyn was huddled down in the bottom one - awake and quiet as a mouse. Are you ok? I asked. She nodded. I’m sorry it’s so noisy outside. Is it bothering you? The wind was howling and unfortunately, it was pretty noisy. It has been my experience that some things can easily spook Madelyn but she assured me she was fine.

And…they all must have weathered the noisy weather just fine because the first little face has just appeared at my door. Time for breakfast!

I occasionally read the bulletin boards on a young widow website. I’ve been doing so for most of the past year. I went looking in search of other people like me just so I could feel that I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t the only one feeling what I was feeling. I’m not. There are lots of others just like me - unfortunately. But what is interesting is that my outlook is a little different because so many of them are in such despair about the ending of their marriages or the different firsts they will experience without their spouses. And while I have certainly have had my moments of despair, it was mostly over what I had lost and the disintegration of all the plans that Mike and I had made. My sadness was compounded by the fear of facing my future alone - about starting completely over and losing what I thought was everything. But then I think about our marriage and I am not sad like the others and the difference is that I know that my marriage continues. By law, I am officially back on the market (and whoa, I am so not putting myself out there. NO THANK YOU!) but in the eternal sense, I am so very much married. We are still partners and although he isn’t here to walk this mortal path with me (which DOES make me sad), I have hope because I know that he is preparing our eternal home for us. Yeah, that sounds kinda out there maybe for some who may read this and think WHAT is she talking about? And to that I say, were your vows made until death or were they for all of time and eternity like mine were? Forever, baby. He’s stuck with me. And there’s the difference. So it is with sadness and sympathy that I read these poor fellow widow(ers) who are in such pain over the ending of their marriages. In their hearts they still feel connected but their faith separates them. And it doesn’t have to…

So, here we are just hours away from 2009 and as I reflect upon these thoughts about marriage, I also find it difficult to not think about last New Year’s Eve - how we both went to bed angry and how by afternoon on the first day of 2008, he was aching for foregiveness and how by evening on that first day of 2008, he heard the simple prayer from his 5 year old little girl asking Heavenly Father to help her daddy get better. By the 2nd day of 2008, he was a new man - confident that he was going to get the help he needed and reassuring his skeptical wife - ME - that 2008 would end much better than 2007. Believe me, I reviewed THAT conversation a lot in 2008, sickened early on by the irony of his promise but now remembering it with a little bit of humility - we don’t always know what’s best for us, nor do we always have control over what comes next. Prayers are answered - even when we’re given an answer that we don’t want. It’s taken me nearly a year to accept that what was best for Mike and our marriage was for him to return to Heavenly Father and a place where he could be free from his addictions and the pain that drove him to them. I could have ended our marriage because of them but because he loved me, he chose eternity over time. Now, that is a love story….

Now 2009 is nearly here and unlike the widows that are dreading not having that midnight kiss or the start of yet another year without their love, I  realize that Mike, in a round about way was right. 2008 is ending better in that there is hope where at the end of 2007, I had none at all. My new year starts on January 5, for on the 4th, I’ll mourn him desperately again. But I resolve to make each day from then on better than the one before it.  I love you, Mike. Happy New Year to you and all who went before you up in Heaven…

Did you know that most of life’s moments can be choreographed to an ABBA song? I watched Mamma Mia last night and aside from the brilliant interweaving of the music, I realized that I, myself am currently within an ABBA song. Actually, my life’s soundtrack started with Knowing Me, Knowing You and even though that song is about a couple breaking up, it can be a sideways metaphor (go with me on this, folks)… Right now I am in the middle of Chiquitita. And I can so hear Audra and Andrea singing this to me (ha ha)…

Chiquitita, tell me whats wrong
Youre enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that youre oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
Im a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, Im the one you must rely on
You were always sure of yourself
Now I see youve broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars theyre leaving
Youll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita

So the walls came tumbling down
And your loves a blown out candle
All is gone and it seems too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
There is no way you can deny it
I see that youre oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars theyre leaving
Youll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving
Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita

I am going to work my way up to Dancing Queen, I have decided. Wish me luck on that one.. In the meantime, you can view some Christmas Eve/Morning photos in this video. Below is a picture of the Christmas tree that we left on Mike’s grave on Christmas Eve. The wind was HOWLING that night and it was super cold.

Current Mood: Oh Brother

I have two geriatric dogs. They’re old. As dogs go… I feel bad for them because their lives literally flash before my eyes. It seems just like yesterday they were babies and now here they are in the sunset of their lives. It’s really quite depressing. But they’re my babies… Always will be. I have two great dogs - both with severe halitosis (one worse than the other and she can really clear a room with her breathing, poor dear) and both with bladders that just aren’t what they used to be. I literally took this dog out just a couple hours ago and just because I, myself haven’t retired to bed, she comes to me with with heavy baited and very disturbing breath, doing what I call the pee-pee dance and a slight growl that says to me, “LET ME OUT - NOW!” No offense dog, but bug off! So I tell her to go away and she does. But I know she’s just thinking about that new favorite place to down in the family room to let loose. All the dogs do it there now and it’s now my lot in life…to follow them around with the little Green Machine spot remover. Debbie says that with all those spots that have been given the once over by the Green Machine, our family room rug now resembles the mat of a Twister Game. Funny. You couldn’t get me down on that floor!! So, off I go… I have spent too much time tonight messing with the look/feel of the blog (what do you think of it?) and now I must get to bed. But first…I will go let my dogs out - AGAIN and wait AGAIN for them to get their sniffing and wandering around in the dark at a leisurely pace out of their system. I have no idea what they could be smelling out there in 3 feet of snow but it must smell good - to a dog. G’night.