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Fall is now upon us. We have been enjoying some Indian Summer weather up until this weekend when the skies turned to grey and the air turned cold. It’s not snowing yet but I think it won’t be long now. Usually I am excited about the change in the weather. By this time of year I am so ready for the tapestry of color, the smell of pumpkin and spice, the onslaught of Christmas advertising. But I admit I am meeting this year’s changes with not much excitement. I know I am entitled to feel a little melancholy about this bittersweet time of year. But I wish I could be happy about it more. I suppose that in years to come that will return.

We’re close to leaving on our Halloween trip to Disneyland next week. I am really looking forward to this trip. Disney is something we have always enjoyed and I worried that when Mike died I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it like I did before. After all, Disneyland is one of the first places I took Mike when we first met. Disney World is where we honeymooned and it is where we had our last family vacation. I am happy to report that my feelings for the Happiest Place on Earth haven’t changed. I enter the gates of the Magic Kingdom with as much excitement and enthusiasm as I always have. Our memories there are happy. And I can look at Michaela enjoying herself and remember the times when her Dad was having fun there too.

My next favorite thing is Christmas. Last Christmas, to be honest, wasn’t that great. We were dealing with a lot then and only 10 days later Mike was gone. I wouldn’t say I am dreading the holidays but look at them with cautious optimism that when we put up the lights and enjoy the splendor, I won’t be reminded about how hard it was a year ago but how many Christmases that were good. And we had some doozies…I was proposed to on Christmas day 12 years ago. And 7 years ago, on Christmas, we found out that I was pregnant with Michaela. How can I not smile with memories like those?

So, yeah…this time of year is bittersweet. It is sad that Mike will not be here to share in the joy of the season with us. I miss him. It really sucks. But then I have those wonderful times to tell Michaela about. And that brings me a smile.