Much Ado About Nothing

It’s been 6 months today since Mike’s death. I don’t know what I was expecting to feel today. I suppose I was anticipating a lot of sadness or at least a smidge of melancholy. Perhaps it will come later (probably during our annual viewing of 4th of July fireworks) but so far, I am thankfully not in a daze of grief. I guess I have been getting pretty good at distracting myself enough that him not being here isn’t always at the forefront of my mind. Sadness tends to creep up when I least expect it or during those times when I think he should be here sharing in the moment with us - such as Michaela’s graduation this week.

Michaela is now officially a first grader. That’s a weird feeling. First grade sounds so much more grown up than kindergarten. In many ways kindergarten is a continuation of nursery school and for a while you can still feel like you’ve got your baby and she’s not going to get any bigger. We’ve had 3 years of this now. But in a few short weeks she starts first grade. These means riding the bus, staying in school ALL day, eating out of a lunch box, her own desk and lots more homework. She’s growing up. So as I sat there on Monday watching her class sing all the songs they learned this year and her getting her completion certificate, I did what I could to hold back the tears. I was happy to see her reach this milestone. She’ll have so many. I was also sad that I couldn’t share that moment with Mike. I am sure he was there but it’s just not the same. I know that Michaela thinks a lot of her dad. I am so glad about that. I fear that as time goes on she’ll start to forget him - what he looked like, sounded like and how much he truely loves her. A co-worker of mine told me this week that his dad died when he was 4. I asked him if he could remember his father and he said his memories were vague but he could remember the last thing he said to him. And even now 21 years later he regrets his final words. Yeah. That’s a worry. 

BUT… I know that I can’t spend all my time worrying about what may or may not happen. So far, Michaela has endured so well. She relishes her time with family. Today Jeff and his family will join us for 4th of July celebrations. It’ll be a day of BBQ, water gun fights and fireworks. I hope that as time goes on moments like these will be what Michaela will remember most - that she always had family who loves her around her and not the absence of her dad.  And that when she finally gets to see her dad again, she’ll have so many stories to tell him and he’ll get to tell her that he knows all about them because he was right there with her. I look forward to hearing the stories from his perspective.