Another year for pomp & circumstance
Last year at this time were celebrating Michaela’s graduation from pre-school. Mom and Dad Fluck came out to celebrate with us and it was a great day. I cannot look upon the picture above without a little bittersweet melancholy because Michaela will graduate from kindergarten in another week and a half and not only will Pap & Gram not be here but Mike won’t be here either. I suppose he will be here in his own way but let’s get real - we can’t see him. We can’t talk to him and we can’t hear him. And again, I am left asking myself, “how fair is that?” It’s not fair. It sucks and I’m pissed about it. There. I said it. It makes me MAD that this is just another moment in a lifetime of moments that Michaela won’t have her Dad here to celebrate with her. He should be here and she should be taking another picture like the one above with him this year. Thank goodness she can look back on these photos and realize that when he was here, he was always right there for her. Mike was a great Dad. I wish he was here to see how magnificent Michaela is and how much she has grown this last year - particularly the past 5 1/2 months.
You are viewing this wrong, Mike had the ability to be here… Often times it is too little too late. It may not be fair or even right, but look forward and look fondly backwords instead of being pissed….. The past is a prologue to the future…. How lucky Michaela is to have you and the rest of your family by her side.
I wouldn’t say I am viewing this wrong. I have every right to be pissed off. Frankly, I try not to be most of the time but hey, these moments creep up and I suspect that I will get a little angry again during special times in Michaela’s life and moments when I miss having my best friend with me. I think that the idea that Mike had the ABILITY to be here is what ticks me off the most. We are all faced with choices and our choices have consequences. And the consequences are not always your’s to be paid. Unfortunately, your choices can cause others to pay the consequences and THAT is is hurts the most. It didn’t have to be this way.
I can see your point, but what benefit is there in being pissed? Does it change the situation? Does it make you or Michaela feel better or worse? How can you heal with anger? I have never seen that work. How does this Honor Mike and the relationship you had and will have in time. He will have to answer alot of questions from you later, I might like to see that. I bet you will keep it private. But if you truly believe he is watching and sees these things how do you think it makes him feel? You may never know his reasons or why he couldn’t win the battles he was having but it doesn’t change the fact you need to respect and honor him in death.
I see what your saying and understand. I don’t walk around angry most of the time but I have my moments such as when I wrote this entry on the ol’ blog here. I was angry when I wrote it. Because it didn’t have to be this way. There is no benefit being angry but at the same time I can’t just ignore the hurt feelings either. I hope one day, and I hope it’s soon, that I won’t be mad anymore. I’ll just look back on our time with fondness and look forward to when I will see him again. But, sheesh..cut me some slack. It’s not yet been 6 months and I am finding there is no linear way to deal with this crap. It all goes up and down and sideways and back again. It’s another reason I get mad because just when I think I am through dealing with it in this way, I am dealing with it again. It’s like get over it already!
Anyway, I will say that I usually more sad than mad. Like today. I am just missing him.
There is plenty of slack, and the healing process will of course ebb and flow. Maybe when you get pissed there needs to be another outlet, one that will help you move forward. Missing him is one thing, letting it get the “best” of you is another thing. I realize it has been only 6 months, and the pain will never totally go away, nor will the disappointment and anger. But hugging your daughter is a good way to still hold MIke, and talking with her is still a good way to talk to MIke. There seems to be a lot of Mike in her, am I wrong?
Nope. You’re right. There is a lot of him in her - it’s particularly evident now that he’s gone. She’s an amazing little girl. I’m very blessed to have her.
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