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January 31st… It’s been a heckuva month. It started off with Mike’s death and continued on with all the weirdness that accompanies such an event. Then this past Sunday, our beloved Prophet, President Hinkley passed away. If you count Heath Ledger, they always say these things come in 3s…His death was a grim reminder of what had just transpired in my life as there were certain parallels but not quite similarities, if you know what I mean. It happened and I was like WHOA! Tonight my big brother nearly joined them. It’s not supposed to happen in 4s! And words nearly fail me now. As it was transpiring all I could think about was keeping focused on what was vs. what wasn’t. Word was that he couldn’t be revived. Then I heard they couldn’t wake him up. Two very different things in my book. He only two days ago had knee replacement surgery and was in quite a bit of pain. Medication is certain and frankly, necessary. I spoke to Jay just yesterday to see how he was doing. Jay made it quite clear to me how proud he is of me and he praised me for my so-called sage advice and how well I was handling things. I was taken aback by his words, not because he said them but because I wasn’t really sure where they were coming from. I thanked him anyway and told him to take care of himself and that I loved him. So, today when Mom called to tell me that there was an emergency with my brother, my first thoughts were of course taken back to that horrible night 4 weeks ago. The vision of Mike lying on the couch is still quite fresh. And like Mike, Jay suffers from sleep apnea. Having just spoke with him 24 hours ago, nothing made sense as to why he would slip away unless he had done so in his sleep. I told Mom that now was the time to remain calm and drill it into the nurses and doctors that the sleep apnea is very real. This, they’ll find is the cause of what happened today. I told my Dad the same thing. 

This afternoon, his daughter, my niece, walked in just in time to save Jay’s life. His skin was pale. His eyes were open and he was unresponsive. Calmly she informed the nurses and later after Jay had come around, the doctors confirmed that they had “lost him today.” The cause? SLEEP APNEA aggrivated by the medication he is taking which prevented him from waking himself up! A few moments longer and he would have been gone for sure. Again, it’s easy to play the coulda, shoulda, woulda game. But this time, there is no need. The outcome is so much different and that should be the focus. If anyone understands what Katy saw today, it’s me. I hope she knows that if she needs to talk to anyone about that, I’m here. In the meantime, I have this ol’ blog….Katy, you did everything right, today. You recognized the severity of the situation and you made sure you got the help your Dad needed. You saved him and you saved all of us from yet another tragedy.

February starts tomorrow. For most of us who’d rather forget how 2008 began, we’re starting anew. From here on out, I’m calling the shots and I have decided that nobody is allowed to die or to try to die for at least the rest of the year. I’ve had my fill!

I’ve had nearly 4 weeks to get used to the idea of Mike being gone. You’d think the disbelief would subside. But yet again tonight as I got ready for bed, I sat in my new room and stared at my walls and wondered, yet again, “What am I doing here?” I would say that for the most part I am doing “pretty OK” as I go about my day. The nights are probably not as hard as they were before although they still provide me with more quiet time and that means more thinking time which could really lead me to just about any where. Mike would hate it when I would think too long and hard about something because it would usually mean I was going to start worrying about something. Whenever Mike would tell me that he had been thinking, my usual response was “Oh no! Are you ok?” If it was me that said I had been doing some thinking, the response was typically, “Uh oh. This can’t be good.”

Well, tonight I’ve been doing some thinking. It’s not that it’s bad but it probably is the first time I’ve cried in, oh…I dunno.. 4 days… Which is pretty good considering my recent track record. It’s getting better though. A couple weeks ago the tears were unstoppable and would vary depending on my mood - saddness, anger, despair, fear, lonliness, etc. Tonight it was merely quiet reflection tinged with a little bittersweet sadness.

The things that hang on our bedroom walls consist of all that is Disney and it runs the gammut between Winnie the Pooh, Disney Princess, Pirates, Mickey Mouse ears and wonderfully goofy photos of our family in various poses on different Disneyland attractions. They hang high on the wall at eye level of Michaela’s top bunk bed so that all she has to do is look over and see happier times. She loves that. And I do too. It’s good to remember those times. But it’s also sad to think there won’t be more of those. Staring at these photos was probably taking its toll so I decided to surf the internet a little and managed to log into LDS.org and discovered that my records were officially changed over because I no longer had access to my old ward information. I was now back in the 3rd Ward. So I ventured over to the Ward Directory and clicked on “F” to look myself up. And there I was, my name in place of where Mike’s once was - the top name in our family group with Michaela’s just below mine. So it’s official. It’s in writing on my computer screen staring me back in the face. It’s on the church official record so it has to be real. The thing is that it hasn’t even been a month but his name is gone from our family record. It remains on my checks and on our mortgage statements but it’s gone from there. I suppose I am not yet done reconciling this stuff after all.

So, my thoughts randomly, it seem turn to the pioneers. Things ebb and flow in my mind lately so just go with it, ok? And I think about these people who sacrificed their lives to cross the wild and uncharted plains of the American west to seek their religious freedom here in the Salt Lake Valley. There were families not too different than mine with a mom, a dad and maybe a kid or two who packed very little and set out into the great unknown. Their faith carried them here - their faith in God, in Christ and in the belief in families being forever. There were women who started the journey with husbands but who ended it as widows. They would lose their husbands or their children one day and the next after burying them in the middle of nowhere, they would move on with their journey. And yet here I sit, comfortable in a nice home and within short driving distance to the final resting place of my husband. I dare say that it’s humbling to realize when you’re selfish. It could be a lot worse. I could be one of those women who buried their husbands in an unmarked grave in the middle of Nebraska. Those women never again got the chance to lay flowers at their graves or were given a chance to grieve long enough before they had to continue on their way. Some have told me that I have been so strong and so brave. They are so proud of me. And for the life of me, I cannot fathom a reason why…

McCain has already been crowned the winner of the GOP nomination by the media. It’s pretty much a sure bet that Clinton with whore her way into the DNC nomination and probably “let bygones be bygones” with Obama and select him as the VP candidate. So, it’s a lose-lose situation for the GOP because with McCain at the helm, we can pretty much kiss our freedom loving butts goodbye. He’s a liberal folks - no denying that. So for the first time - EVER - I will not vote the republican ticket. I will vote, however it will not be for any of these jokers. Someone needs to talk to Romney and fast and convince him to take his money to a 3rd party ticket. He’s got a lot of support…just yesterday he was leading McCain nationally by 15%. That should be enough momentum to make him a viable 3rd party candidate and offer the people more choices…if anything, it could really piss Hillary/Obama/McCain off and I’d just LOVE that.

Today is the Florida primary. MSNBC has interviewed some folks who voted today to see how they voted and why. To the left you see the face of a biggot. Her name is Sheridan Kernop. She says that McCain is too old and Guliani’s views about same-sex marriage is “sinking him.” She picked Huckabee because, “has good Christian morals and that’s the reason I’m voting for him.” Fair enough. But when asked why she didn’t choose Romney she said, “The honest truth? Because he’s a Mormon.” We all know who you are now, Ms. Kernop. And you’ve become the poster-child for the biggotry that remains in this country. Many would like to deny it exists but it does. 

Next comes, Peggy Teske who said she voted for Clinton. She tells MSNBC, “I’m all about Hillary. When she was the vice president, she was just so intelligent, knowing that she could read pages and pages of information and remember it and retain it. If she put together a speech she didn’t have to have the teleprompter, she didn’t have to have someone feeding her information.” Hillary was vice-president? No. No. NO! Didn’t Peggy know that Hillary was already president? Well, that is what Hillary thinks. 

If the country is in trouble, we have folks like these to thank. Idiots.