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But according to the Wii Fit, I am FREAKIN’ OLD!!! So, the first time that you step on to the Wii Fit, it asks for your height, birthdate, it weighs you and measures your BMI. In addition to this, also does some balance tests and then TA-DA! You’re given your Wii Age… I am 55 years old. Well, luckily you can password protect your profile so you can keep that lovely bit of information secret. That is except for me…because I just shared that with all the world. Oh well. So, I spent a good hour on the thing setting it up and messing around and actually feel like I had a work out. Imagine that! It was enough to motivate me to keep at it and I will devote some more time tomorrow to playing on the Wii. It’s way better than trying to jog in public and at least it’s much more interesting than walking a treadmill. We’ll have to see where this leads but if can help me shed some of this weight, it was worth the money I spent on it.

Current Mood: Oh Brother

I’ve been unemployed now for almost 4 months. The unemployment checks will soon stop and I am finding myself in a sticky situation. The house hasn’t even had a nibble so my hopes of selling it before I run out of unemployment are dwindling. Now, I don’t get enough in unemployment to cover my whole house payment but it at least takes some of the edge off and I have managed to not dip into the life insurance at all this past year. That’s a good thing. The life insurance is currently being reinvested in my daughter and that is how I plan to keep it. It’s meant for her education and an occasional vacation and nothing more. The idea that I will have to use it to keeping paying on a house that I don’t live in is nauseating. But…I will do it if I must.

Fall back plan….

I was ineligible for the survivor benefit from social security last year because I was working and making too much money. When I called in September after I was laid off, I was told that I had made too much that year and to call back in January. January is here and today’s agenda included being on hold with the social security folks for about 20 minutes. I got through finally - gave my info and then was told that the request was entered and that I’d get a call back. So, the government is going to call me back…right away I guess I am supposed to believe. Yeesh. I have a feeling that I’ll be making another call in the coming days. But I’ve been patient this long..what’s a little longer?

Of course I knew that today would be hard. It was. I just had thought that I would kinda scoot through it relatively unscathed. I mean, that is how it was for most of 2008 - I was numb most of the time but to be honest, Valentines Day - piece of cake. Memorial Day? Pretty sad but could’ve been worse. 4th of July? No problem. Michaela’s birthday, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, my birthday…Christmas and New Year’s…I was certainly reflective. At times I was sad but tears didn’t get the best of me and it left me thinking that this wasn’t going to be so bad. I don’t know if my outlook was different or maybe I just didn’t care but getting through those things was ok. But then today showed up. I posted my earlier entry at the beginning of the day when things were going ok. I had been thinking about the 1 year mark for quite a while and it occurred me not too long ago that this day would land on Fast and Testimony Sunday. Would I be able to stand before the congregation at church? I am a big enough wuss as it is when it comes to bearing my testimony. What was I thinking when I thought I could have enough gumption to get up there in front of 300+ people on the 1st anniversary of my husband’s death? Delusions of gradeur…a lunatic…brainless. You name it. I am all of those things. I should have known when I sat down in the pew and saw that the first hymn we’d sing would be “Be Still My Soul.” I saw it in the bulletin and thought, it’s just a song. Did I mention that I was brainless? The song started and no sooner had we gotten to the middle of the first verse and the tears started to flow. They came fast and furious and by the Sacrament hymn I was a full on mess of red eyes, running make up and boogers. I couldn’t stop it. In desperation I asked Debbie for some tissue and she had none. All I wanted to do was fall beneath the pew and curl up and disappear. But out of no where, my daughter proudly announced that she had tissues in her bag. At least the sleeve of my shirt was saved. Thoughts of running to the bathroom for the 3 hour duration of church crossed my mind - more than once.

The bishop stood to make his remarks and among them was his recollection upon his week. He got to spend lots of time at the temple this week being witness to a marriage of a young couple and to a sealing of an entire family. Of course, that brought me back to my day in the temple with Mike and Michaela 5 years ago. That was one of the happiest times of my life. I think the years of 2002 and 2003 were quite possibly my Cinderella years. I can’t believe that time in my life happened to me. I am so blessed that it did. I can’t remember what the sealer said that day. But I can remember the mirrors that were on all the walls of the room and the look in Mike’s eyes when I knelt across the alter from him and how I sobbed through my promises to him and how I could hear Michaela who was barely 1 year old at the time freaking out in the hallway crying. Those were happy times. But today those memories were rushing through my mind so quickly that I didn’t have time to smile because no sooner had the Bishop mentioned his experience in the temple this week that he moved on to tell the congregation that he had spent the morning with a fellow church member who is in the final stages of congestive heart failure. My thoughts turned to this man’s wife and how one day very soon she will be counted among those of us who are widowed. The preparations that she is getting right now probably won’t spare her the feelings of lonliness and dispair. I am sure when he goes, she will feel as much grief as I do. However, I can’t help but envy her for the time she has been given to be with him during his final days and how she will have the opportunity to relay to him all the things that she needs to before he goes. I am assuming that she will do this. I hope she does. I also felt envy for the man himself who in his weakness he found the strength to give the Bishop a message of hope that he wanted shared with those of us. He is prepared to leave this life and start his journey in the next. He will soon see the young son he lost years ago and I am sure countless other loved ones whom he’s missed for who knows how long. And the thought occured me to me just WHO will be on the welcoming committee when he gets there? I wonder if he’ll see Mike? How crazy would I be to run over to this man’s house and give him a message to pass on to Mike when he sees him. Um..YEAH. These where thoughts that flew through my mind at this moment. And while I tried to suppress this deranged lunatic who had taken over my body today in church, the time ticked away and before I knew it Sacrament meeting was over and I was exhausted. I never made it up to the front - THANKFULLLY because who knows what kind of crazy stuff I would have said, especially since they were recording the service for this poor man. The last thing this guy needs is me freaking out and him thinking that this is the type of person that his wife may become when he leaves this earth. Sorry dude. In exchange for the lonliness we feel, you get to stand helpless on the sidelines and watch it all happen. I guess that’s the trade off.

Well, anyway…I was a mess today. I thought I’d do much better than I did and I have to admit I am a little disappointed in myself for not being more stoic. Maybe next year….HA! I think January 4th should become a national holiday. If not that, then I plan on taking that day off from now on. What a humdinger that was.

I will say though that the cemetery visit went ok. The sub-zero temperatures dry out the tears pretty well and make for the lingering at the grave to be kept to a minimum. That was a relief. And the impromptu visit from my brother and his family was a nice surprise. I am grateful for the hugs and notes my nieces and nephew gave me. I know you guys read this so know that your expressions of love and the timing of your visit wasn’t lost on me. I am so thankful for all of you.

Now, on to tomorrow…

I have given this day a lot of thought the past couple of months. Today marks the last of my “firsts”. And in all honesty, there is nothing I can say today that I haven’t already said. My sister asked me how I was doing. I am fine. I am the same today as I was yesterday - my first thoughts of the day are of Mike as are my last. If you have ever seen Groundhogs Day, then you get an idea of what it’s like to be a new widow. You relive every moment from the time you find out your spouse is gone over and over. Each time the sting of this reality gets to be a little less but then occasionally the grief socks you in the gut as a not so gentle reminder that your life is not going to be what it once was - EVER. And yeah, that part sucks A LOT. But what can I do? I can’t change the outcome. I can wallow some more and feel sorry for myself or I can try to live and hope happiness follows. And I think it will… Debbie says to expect to hear “how are you doing?” a lot today. I told her not to ask it. She asked it once and that’s all that is needed. I am OK. Not great. Not bad. I’m reflective and sad but hopeful. My one year freak out is over. Tomorrow, I’ll start anew (crossing fingers).

Enjoy the photo above. It is one of my favorite pictures of Mike and definitely a wonderful memory.